So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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