Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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