tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
