This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
