I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
