I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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