Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
