I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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