If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
