Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Did you just see the Batmobile???
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
