I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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