k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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