Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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