So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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