you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You have to summon your inner elephant
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
