he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize