I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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