You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
