the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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