Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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