Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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