Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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