im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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