I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Alive.
So much puke
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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