totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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