we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Your shirt... Was in my pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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