My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize