I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
