Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
