Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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