On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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