No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
