I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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