I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So squirting runs in the family.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
