my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
