dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
