I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
