When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
