you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
