It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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