God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
