It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
