I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
