i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Alive.
So much puke
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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