apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
