my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
