just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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