Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
