When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
