genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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