my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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