Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize