So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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