I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I need a beard to bite.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize