I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
then he tried to convert me to islam
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
