best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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