I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
