I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
