I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
