Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
3pm strippers are depressing
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
